An Interesting Species: The Die Hard Fan (Guest)

Alright, alright, so I’m not the biggest sports buff, but every year I get a first-hand look at the wild animal we call the “Die-Hard Fan”. Wives, family, and friends know what behaviors begin to take control as they retreat to their natural habitat when the playoffs approach. For anyone who’s not familiar with this species, there are certain signs to watch out for to catch a die-hard fan out in the open.

1. The Uniform

One surefire way to recognize a wild DHF is by studying the patterns on their fur. The fur’s texture is unlike another other animal, the best way to describe it is jeans and a jersey, most likely belonging to their favorite player. They’ll have several jerseys, as well as t-shirts, so they can shed their skin exposing a different one every day during the playoffs. As they add more of their team’s gear, it might almost look as though they’re wearing football costumes. Die-hard fans may also have one outfit that they’ll wear every Sunday as a ritual when they prepare to watch the games.

2. The Decorations

Another way to spot a die-hard football fan is to drive by their house, carefully, some can be territorial in the wild. There will be banners and flags hanging near the front entrance of the cave to displaying their favorite team. There may even be other items sporting the team’s colors around the cave like a trophy case with team memorabilia. The collection may include bobble heads, footballs with team logos, and even autographed footballs if the fan was lucky enough to acquire one.

3. The Spectators

Watching the games can also give you a glimpse of this species we cohabitate with. You will see them lined up together. Each die-hard fan will be dressed in their team’s colors. But wait. There's more:

• Look for the markings of the beast, their skin changes color like a chameleon with their team colors!
• They’ll be carrying signs decorated with the team name and colors.
• Their hands morph into large fuzzy “number one” fingers, and banners.
• They won't stop howling encouraging thoughts to their team and growling put downs to the opponents.

4. The Party Goers

A ritual passed down from ancestors can be seen in parking lots before the game and is known among them as Tailgating. Contrary to popular belief, these “tailgaters” are not descendents of the Alligator, nor do they have tails. Similar to cave men they will be cooking on fire grills prominently displayed on small tables or the hatch of their car. Hot dogs, hamburgers, and bbq feeds their carnivore instincts. When the game is over, these fans may try to run down to the tunnels to cheer the players on as they walk off the field, especially if the team played a good game.

A die-hard fan can be house trained, but please do not attempt to do so without consulting a professional. Their behavior can be unpredictable to someone without a trained eye. Please contact a local DHF behaviorist who has thoroughly studied this species. If, on the other hand, you are interested in joining their pack, start to read up on football stats and start watching games. Join in on conversations that are taking place all over town to learn the language or find yourself a mentor who will teach you their ways.

Quirky Ways Women Multi-task in the Car (Guest)

Now not all women are bad drivers, but we all know the women who are....and who have probably done at least half of these things mentioned below, hehe.

We’ve heard it all before, the millions of excuses given to prove that women are bad drivers. Research has shown that women just have different talents than men. Our decision making processes are different and men tend to take bigger risks. Earning the prestigious title of Queen of the Road won't get us any special perks, but we are better at multi-taking for sure. There are always exceptions to the rule, and if you are one of them remember to find a great auto insurance company. ;)

Mascara

Some days mascara is essential and we just didn’t have the time to apply it at home. It was one of those hectic days. The more cautious driver will wait for red lights to apply and crimp only to be honked at when the light turns green. While the daredevil will apply with one eye on the road and the other in the mirror or so we like to believe.

Portable Dressing Room

We all know that girl that keeps half of her wardrobe in the back seat or in her trunk. For the really bold at heart, they will change clothes during stops. This is mostly done by passengers but I have seen a few drivers take part. The art is in the way the clothing is exchanged while avoiding being arrested for indecent exposure. It takes a trained professional to change clothes without showing a lot of skin.  

All 10 Toes

We should hire a robot from the future, send them into the past to kill whoever invented nail polish before they were born. I know some ladies are fans of the polish, but what a tedious task, paint, chip, repaint, smudge, repaint, rub off, repaint, Holy Mother of God! Well society says if the toes are showing get the paint a flowing. Ok no one really says it in those terms, but it is a must have for some women and they will polish those piggies on the road.  

Paying Bills

Oh yea, the modern women. We are independent, our own personal accountants, and we can manage our bills on the go. For those of you new to this strategy here is a quick how to: save all billing phone numbers in your phone, place your credit card right below your speedometer so you can shift your gaze from the road to your credit card just like you would if you were checking your speed, call the billing company, and read off your card numbers to pay your bill. Easy peasy.   

Directions, Directions, Directions

Oh yes, the old stereotype that men don’t like asking for directions. With today’s technology asking people for directions is so 1999. Women multi-task by using gps navigators in their cars or on their phones and if it is not voice enabled we can still find our way by manipulating the screen.
Many say that after years on the road we develop lazy habits and it may be a good idea to take a refresher course. I say these women are far from lazy. If anything they need less to do. I’m sure some men are gifted with these unique talents as well.

5 Reasons Why Your Neighbors Hate You, and How to Repair the Relationship (Guest)

Hey look, it's Jennifer again!

Are your neighbors giving you the cold shoulder, or worse? If you have no idea why, check out this list to find out why your neighbors hate you:

1. But, It's A Classic!

Let's face it; you've been promising to fix up that old junker for years.

If your favorite ride is starting to sprout a garden of its own, it has got to go! There's nothing worse than a next-door neighbor with their own personal junk yard in the front. Even a covered clunker is an eyesore. If it makes you feel better, Old Betsy can go to a good cause. When you donate your old vehicle to Kars4Kids, you'll get the following advantages:

• Easy Online Donation Form
• Quick, Free Pickups
• A Valuable Tax Donation AND a Free Hotel Voucher

Best of all, your neighbors might not hate you anymore and won't try to plan flowers in your old clunker. Just maybe.

 

2. Everyone's a Music Lover, Right?

Sure, everyone loves music, just not your music! If you're just learning how to play the tuba, your neighbors don't want to hear that noise at all hours of the morning. The same goes for your garage band.

If you play rap or heavy metal until your over-sized bass amp shakes the window frames for a 10-mile radius, turn it down! The same goes for any other really loud noises that go on and on.

3. What Are You Waiting For? Next Christmas?

If your Christmas tree has been sitting at the curb so long everyone thinks you're waiting on it to grow legs and walk to the dump, it's a sure bet that you've gotten on more than one neighbor's last nerve.

Before next December rolls around, call a trash removal service to pick up that old, dried-up, tinsel-encrusted relic, along with any other unsightly debris in your yard. While you're at it, think about taking down the Christmas lights, too!

Image Source

4. My Dog Would Never Bother Anyone

Although you love your dog, your neighbors might not be so thrilled with him, especially if he does his thing in their yards each and every time nature calls or barks like he has rabies whenever they step outside.

Digging holes in their flower gardens and chasing their cats won't win any popularity contests, either. While no one is suggesting you get rid of Rover, keep him in your own yard and try some obedience classes to get the barking under control.

5. What Lawnmower?

If letting your grass grow past the two-foot mark is your idea of going green, think again. Of course, you are conserving energy -- your own and the lawnmower's -- but no one else appreciates this eco-friendly effort. Unless your entire neighborhood is planning on raising a herd of goats, each and every neighbor hates you and your yard.

Cut your grass, trim your bushes, and rake your leaves. You'll be amazed when people actually start to wave when they see you working in your yard!

Lucky for you, most of these issues are easy to fix. Make a few adjustments, no matter how painful, and you'll be nominated for neighbor of the year before you know it!

Instructions for properly hugging a baby

This came via an email from my mom, so I don't know the original source. It was too cute to not share with you guys, though. :)

 

1. First, find a baby. 

2. Second, be sure that the object you found was indeed a baby by employing classic sniffing techniques.

3. Next you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the hugging process.

4. The "paw slide": Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.

5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented "hug, smile, and lean" so as to achieve the best photo quality.

Funny Myths: Determining Your Child's Gender (Guest)

Guest post here from Julee Russo.

When we were little, we bought a couple pythons from this slightly creepy guy who looked and smelled both of Indian and hippie...and somewhat cowboy for that matter. Anyway, he tied a string to ring and let it spin over one of the snakes belly's to determine it's gender, just like mentioned below. For someone who sold snakes, you'd think he'd know enough about them to actually determine the gender rather than try to convince us this was a fool proof method, pfft.

 

How to determine a child's gender is something that many parents are very interested in. They often want to know which gender their child is going to be, even before an ultrasound test can tell them. Some may use a baby gender predictor to get an early estimate of their child's gender. They also might want to do things a certain way in their efforts to conceive a child so that they have more of a chance of having a baby of a certain gender. Do any of those things really work? Well, it depends on who you ask. Either way, they're interesting to learn about. Here are some great myths about determining your child's gender.  

1. If you're carrying your baby low, it's going to be a boy. This has been said for years and years, and sometimes it proves to be true. Other times that's not the case, and people carrying their baby low have a girl. 

2. If you're carrying your baby high up in your stomach, it's going to be a girl. Just like the myth above, this one proves to be true about half of the time—which would make sense. Your guess is as good as the next person's as to whether this is true of false.  

3. If you're carrying in front, it's a boy. See the myths above. 

4. If you're carrying wide and "spreading out," it's a girl. Ditto. 

5. Carrying a girl will give you morning sickness all day, whereas carrying a boy will not. It's hard to tell where this one came from or whether there's any truth to it. Having morning sickness all day is lousy, no matter what gender of baby you're carrying.  

6. Check your baby's heartbeat. If it's beating faster than 140 beats per minute, it's a girl. If it's slower than 130 beats per minute, it's a boy. What happens if the heart rate is in between the two? Should you resort to flipping a coin at that point?  

7. Try hanging a wedding ring over your belly, using a strand of the baby's father's hair. If it ring spins in a circle, it's a girl. If it swings back and forth instead, it's a boy. This one just seems odd—and what do you do if the father is bald? It would seem like you'd really be stuck at that point when it comes to figuring out the baby's gender.  

There are also claims that say what you eat before you get pregnant can affect whether you'll have a boy or a girl, but there's no scientific evidence for any of that. It's best that you eat a balanced diet so that you and your baby can be as healthy as possible. That's the safest way to do things.  

There you have it. There are plenty of myths about a child's gender and whether there's really a baby gender predictor out there. It's always good to know what they are, in case you want to test any of them out and see if they could become reality.

Weird things you didn’t know about your eyes! (Guest)

~~ My name is Tim Harwood and I am an Optometrist based in the UK. I finished Optometry school over 9 years ago and have been lucky to have found such an enjoyable and rewarding career. I also spend time writing content for my website Treatment saver which aims to help people chose where to have cosmetic surgery or laser eye surgery.~~

Our eyes are something that most of us take for granted but if you take a minute just to think how much duller your life would be without vision, then you may perhaps appreciate them a little bit more. Our eyes are like sponges and they are constantly taking in information about the world we live in. When we are looking at objects or landscapes our eyes need to take in massive amounts of information about the colour, shade, depth, size and movement to name a few and it does all this in the blink of an eye! As well as being amazing our eyes also have some strange characteristics that you might find surprising. Below are my top 5 weird things about your eyes:

1. We blink around 20,000 times per day: Blinking is an extremely important function for our eyes, hence the amount of times we do it! When we blink the surface of our eyes are cleaned of any debris and dirt and the front of the eye is replenished with fresh tears. Our tears provide the front surface of eyes with oxygen and they also contain cells that fight bacteria to ward off infection.
2. We can see better than 20:20 vision: In fact most people can see better than 20:20 vision. Most people wrongly assume the 20:20 vision is the very best vision that is possible but this is not the case. 20:20 is what optometrists expect the ‘average person’ to be able to see. The bottom line on the eye test chart at your Optometrist is actually smaller than 20:20 vision, so if you can see this line of letters then you have better vision than 20:20!
3. We see with our brains: Obviously our eyes play a vital role but it is our brains that actually process all the information to give us the actual image that we see. The eye’s role is to focus the light to the appropriate place on the retina and to organise all the different information about the object we are looking at. The brain then puts all this information (colour, contrast etc) that the eye has collected and then puts it all together to produce the finished image.
4. Only boys can be colour blind: This one isn’t 100% true but for the sake of this article it is! Approximately 8% of males are colour blind whereas it is only about 0.05% of women. Colour blindness is something we are born with and it never changes throughout our life. There are different degrees of colour blindness and contrary to what some people believe people with colour blindness can still see colours. It is just that they find it more difficult to distinguish one colour from another and they often confuse certain colours such as greens and browns.
5. You will need glasses for reading from aged 45 years onwards: This is a fact of life and is as inevitable as getting grey hair! This process is known as presbyopia and occurs as a result of the natural lens inside our eye losing its focussing ability as we get older. As this ability to focus diminishes so we will need to use reading glasses for near tasks. An alternative to glasses is laser eye surgery although the results are not as good as for those being corrected for distance vision problems.

Garage door stickers - Looks a lot better than a mess, eh?

I don't have a source for these because they were emailed to me, but they were too good to pass up. I love the elephant one below especially. How fun are these??

Quirky pregnancy signs (Guest)

Another guest post here from Tania....love this one! If you've ever been pregnant, had a pregnant spouse, or found yourself reading too many mommy bloggers, you'll get a chuckle out of several of these.

When
I was so touched by a small gift that a friend gave me that I actually
cried, I knew it was time to take a pregnancy test. It was, of course,
positive. Pregnancy can be hilarious, especially when it is not our
pregnancy we’re looking it. With all those unpleasant pregnancy signs
and symptoms, the best defense is arming ourselves with a sense of
humor. Let’s take a look at the top ten quirky pregnancy habits. These
weird and wonderful habits will have you spitting out your drink... but
if you have a weak stomach, this is not for you!

You know that you are pregnant when...

1. You
   have visited every toilet in the mall multiple times, often only
   minutes apart. Your reasons for running to the toilet as quickly as you
   might vary throughout your pregnancy, from morning sickness to the need
   to pee every five minutes, but the restroom marathon will only end when
   you give birth.
2. You
   wake up in the middle of the night with a terrible craving for your
   favorite ice cream (or insert the craving of your choice here!), but you
   start feeling sick and throw up halfway through your snack. Who said
   morning sickness only happened in the morning? When you are done
   vomiting, you return to your snack as if nothing ever happened.
3. You
   start crying when your computer crashes, when your bank manager calls
   you to discuss that overdraft, or when your husband says he’ll be ten
   minutes late for that lunch. And that TV commercial is so touching that
   you can’t stop sobbing. Even if you were an ice queen before you got
   pregnant.
4. You
   are willing to drive for an hour to get your favorite nachos to go, and
   eat them in under ten minutes during the drive back home.
5. Forget about the pickled gherkins... you could drink all the vinegar out of that jar!
6. When your water breaks, you have to do the smell test to make sure you didn’t pee yourself!
7. You
   think getting up at midnight to put the new baby’s crib together is a
   perfectly reasonable thing to do. And you might as well paint the room
   while you are at it, too!
8. You forget that you can no longer squeeze in between two parked cars because of your baby bump, and you get stuck!
9. When you put the dirty dishes in the washing machine instead of the sink.
10. You
    can’t tie your own shoe laces any more. Or even see your feet, for that
    matter. And you have had to ask store assistants to tie your laces for
    you after trying on maternity clothes.

Do you have your own favorite pregnancy memory to add? Please let us know what quirky habits you had when you were expecting!

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER

Guest post up here. If you're a huge Narnia fan, this one probably isn't for you, hehe.

You can see why there was so much humming and harring surrounding the production of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. The resulting movie is exactly what Disney expected it to be: A fantasy bore. The Dawn Treader? More like The Yawn Treader.

The trials and tribulations of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader had been much publicised. Producing Disney delayed and then pulled out of financing the movie. The Mouse House should have trusted their inkling; now they have another lead balloon on their hand, a sinking a ship if you will. It just goes to show that bad things do come in threes and The Chronicles of Narnia movies is definitely a terrible threesome.

It was hoped that the Narnia Chronicles could emulate The Potter and Rings franchise with an equally smooth transition to the big screen. But these high hopes were dashed long before the release of The Dawn Treader after disappointing returns on Prince Caspian (2008) (which earned $415 million worldwide but fell way short of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe's staggering $745 million haul). It begs the question: why make the movie in the first place? The damage had already been done.

To give it some credit to The Dawn Treader is the best of the three. In a rather cumbersome fashion, the film does reflect the dark and dreary post-war years in which C.S Lewis pencilled the Narnia stories; reflecting the issue of morality that he saw being drained and then later restored by the war’s outcome. The Dawn Treader’s plot is arguably the most Tolkien-esque of the Narnia movies – a cod-medieval adventure, special effects and in-your-face nakedly religious overtones; like having a fat greasy vicar preach directly in your and then belch in your mouth afterwards.

The Pevensies are back in Narnia. Lucy (Henley), Edmund (Keynes) and their brat of a cousin Eustace Scrubb (Poulter) join their old friend Caspian (Barnes) on the ship Dawn Treader as they embark on a voyage beyond Narnia’s seas in search for the seven lost lords. Rather remarkably Liam Neeson’s remarkable streak of bad movies continues, if anything it’s kind of impressive; Aslan’s booming god-like voice is simply an unwelcomed distraction.

The success of The Dawn Treader will be crucial in determining the direction of the four remaining films, (yes that’s right, four remaining films). Next up, presumably, is The Silver Chair. I am literally praying that after witnessing 133 minutes of sheer agony that those Disney’s bigwigs see sense this time around and put a stop to this unbearable franchise.

Aidan Donovan is a copywriter who works for a company that deals with Ford Fiesta.

5 Everyday Things that Make Me Nervous (Guest)

Here's a post from Nicolas D'Alleva about things that make him nervous.

There are some quirky examples in there and I especially love the kerosene story because I have my own "flammable liquid" incident. Here's the really quick version:

When I was working at a university front desk, we had someone piggyback into the building that shouldn't be there. He was older, dirty, likely drunk or at least mentally unstable, and started harassing my coworker. He opted to finally leave a message for the manager and agreed to leave. After writing down the message, he proceeded to wad up the paper and eat it. He left, though, and they were relieved, only for him to return a few minutes later with a bucket of oil that he flung across the counter, covering my coworker, the desk, the floor, everything. Holy cow! Fortunately he left for good after that.

Anyway, back to Nicholas. Do any of these things make you really nervous, too?

5. The Metal Detectors at Banks

I really don’t like those double door security entrances to banks. You know, the ones where you have to open a door, step through a metal detector, wait for the first door to close behind you, and then step through a second door. I seem to always have my laptop bag when I go to the bank, which always trips the detector, which makes me anxious for a moment. A few people in the lobby turn to look at you when they hear it, which can make you feel like you’re making other people feel nervous too. It must happen all day long, though, because the bank employees don’t give it much attention. I don’t really know what the purpose of these detectors is; they just indicate a person has something metallic with them, making the devices about as useful as if they detected wool or rubber or any other material.

Despite encountering this again and again, that beeping noise still makes me a bit nervous, so I might suppose their point is to deter would-be bank robbers from bringing in weapons. If someone has their mind set on robbing a bank, though; are they likely to be dissuaded by a device that reacts the same way to guns as it does to any number of harmless items? Is it really giving anyone a worthwhile heads-up to the possibility of someone with weapons in the room? Not if it just goes off all day long. I suspect there is more to this but, for me right now; they are just annoying and make me nervous.

4. Really Loud Express Trains on the Subway

When on the platform for the local train, I’m always caught off guard by the express trains. Between trains, the subway tunnel can be as quiet as a tomb and, suddenly, an express train will roar through at high speed. I’ve witnessed this happening hundreds of times and it continues to surprise me.

3. Mentally Unbalanced Homeless People

For the most part, I don’t mind encountering homeless people. Although it might be kind of sad to say, they largely blend in to their surroundings once you’ve become used to them. They hang out in doorways holding cups and asking for spare change, they ride public transportation, and they sleep on park benches. Despite their appearance, they usually won’t cause you any more harm than anyone else out there on the street. That is, of course, unless they are mentally unbalanced.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine encountered this sort of person while waiting for a bus. First the guy started talking about how he’s been having bad luck lately, then he started talking about some sort of conspiracy directed at him, then he started talking about the weather. He continued, changing the subject frequently, not making a whole lot of sense overall. Finally my friend asks him “What do you want? You’ve been going on and on and I get the impression you’re leading up to something, so… what do you want from me?” After a moment, the man’s eyes got wide and his face lit up in a crazed expression as he gave his answer, “KEROSENE!” Meeting someone who, inexplicably, is asking strangers in your neighborhood for a flammable substance is sure to be unsettling.

2. Low Cell Phone Battery

In the same way I suffer from cell phone separation anxiety, I get anxious when the battery gets low and I don’t have an opportunity to charge it. The concern isn’t so much that there will be an emergency and I need to contact someone. I could just borrow a phone from someone or use a nearby landline for that. No, I get anxious because I’m out of touch. If my battery dies and a friend wants to tell me about something cool going on later that day, I’d be losing out. If someone needs to ask me something urgent, they’ll be inconvenienced until later when I can finally answer their text message. I know it’s ridiculous how attached society has become to their cell phones, but it is still uncomfortable when one of your main modes of communication is out of commission.

1. Icy Roads and Sidewalks

For a large part of the year, I don’t have to worry about slipping and falling suddenly on the sidewalk. Crashing my car is hardly a daily concern. This is, of course, unless it’s the winter and the roads and sidewalks have iced over. In that case, I make a point of walking more carefully, not driving as fast, and taking better notice of any ice in front of me. But no matter what, I end up wiping out on some steps or experience my car sliding when making a turn. At this point I get even more careful and end up taking even more time getting places. It’s worth it not to have an accident. Eventually the weather gets warmer, which tricks me into thinking the ice has gone; but then I make the mistake of riding my bike and skid sideways through some melting snow.

Nicolas is the owner of Specialty Answering Service, a nationwide toll free answering service that caters to both large and small businesses across the country. Specialty provides a Spanish answering service for those companies that need both English and Spanish support.

More nerdy tattoos

Here's a list of 10 nerdy tattoos that the author describes as "the most horrifying." Most are freshly done so if you're squeamish about open cuts or the sight of blood, you likely shouldn't click, but the tattoos themselves are really well done (like the dragon) and not "horrifying" in my mind at all.There's even an NES controller* and Pacman!

Then again, I like nerdy things. ;)

* The controller is sadly the most "horrifying" because it shows two very fresh, bloody pictures, and it's rather large....like, larger than an actual controller would be, so not the greatest, but oh well.

How about some poetry?

Warning: It's not an uplifting poem....

False Documents

They ran the numbers twice for you
giving you the benefit of the doubt
but you knew the computer at the other
end of the officer’s PDA would not find
your brown number in its little black index.
You drove exactly one mile per hour below the speed
limit. You buckled your baby into his car seat according
to instructions. You signaled for exactly three seconds
before you turned left. You wanted to hide the Subway wrappers,
the empty box of Orbitz gum. Evidence of Big Macs.
You wanted to drink the Mountain Dew before it turned toxic
in the hot Phoenix sun as you asked, doesn’t this green
sludge make me American enough? But you didn’t
move because you knew the officer would have taken
that for gun-finding or drug-hiding or some other supposed
Mexican sport. You with your hands at ten and two
wondered how long the bus ride the officer would take you
on would last and whether they would provide any water.
You wondered, as the officer put hand to holster,
how dangerous it would be to down that Mountain
Dew then and there, in the wide-open American air.


by Nicole Walker
Boston Review; July/August 2010