The Revenge of the Flip Flops

If you've ever heard my rant about flip flops, you know I absolutely despise them. Actually, I don't really like wearing shoes of any sort, but if I have to, I definitely don't want to shove a piece of crappy plastic or cloth between my toes, and then go flopping around all over the place. Literally. People are noisy little critters in those sorry excuses for shoes!

Shoe (n.)-an external covering for the human foot....

Over the summer, I was wearing a pair of a friend. My own favorite sandals had gotten too wet and used and after 2.5 wonderful years together, they began to deteriorate. She talked me into buying a pair of flip flops for myself, but they were the ugliest pair I'd ever seen. (Fyi, my mom liked them, so they were passed to her as soon as I went home a few weeks later). The friend wanted to wear mine, so I was wearing hers. Long story a bit longer, I was walking down a gravel path and suddenly found myself in pain. A rock had shoved all the way through the "shoe" including the leather/vinyl-y type layer on top that posed as being tougher than the really cheap foam type ones. I checked my foot, and this lovely rock had actually broken the skin. Wonderful. So I kept walking, and within a few steps in the pitch black area, I had to stop again because something kept stabbing me. I was with another friend, so we stepped over into a better lit area. Walking barefooted across the rocks felt better, by the way. So we checked the "shoe" again and can see through the small hole now formed, but it's smaller than a pencil top eraser, so we assumed that a larger rock had punctured it, and left behind only where the tip had gone through. We repeated this process of stinging pain and checking a few more times before we finally found the culprit. This wonderful flip flop's thick layer on both top and bottom had trapped a small rock inside, which continued to try to torture me gradually with each step.

Granted this can happen with any shoe. We've all either had a nail shoved through our sneaker/boo or known someone who has. But when you take off the shoe, you can visibly see the nail. You can grab a pair of pliers, pull it out, and as long as you've had a tetanus shot, you'll probably be fine. Even if it goes through your foot, it's likely to be at least partially your own fault given how aware you are of your surroundings. Is that how flip flops work? Of course not!! No, those horrendous wannabes that stalk the feet of at least half the population are out to get people! Innocently walking in what seem to be safe places, is suddenly like walking into an S&M's house and saying "hey, how about you stab me every so often without telling me when, and then leave it in me while I try to guess what kind of knife you're using!"

A person could easily tell me I'm overreacting. After all, not everyone gets rocks stuck in the soles of their flip flops. But let's talk about the design of the floppy creatures:

My little cousin asked why they're called flip flops and we (my mother and I) demonstrated the sound they make when a person walks. "Flip, flop, flip flop, flip flop!" We've already talked about how annoying that can be and yes, I know 'some' people avoid that by how they walk in them, so don't argue with me about it. They're held on only by the piece of "whatever" between the toes and typically two straps of matching "whatever" that loosely catch the foot after a 'flop.' the back of the f.f. doesn't usually come up all the way with the foot, leaving the bottom of the foot completely exposed to the dangers of the world. Rocks....sticks....rotting animal bones....all can easily be flipped up between the "shoe" and foot as a person walks, allowing the f.f.s to take unnoticed revenge on its unsuspecting wearers.

Now, because I end my little rant about how pathetic f.f.s are, I would like to point out their best use. If any of you read the entry on my camp blog or you had the pleasure of hearing my ant story, you already know that f.f.s made the best weapon against ants when they invaded our crackerbox of a room over the summer. I tried hairspray, my sandals, and a pair of sneakers before realizing that the previously mentioned design creates one heck of a "smack!" (imagine the sound of a wet towel that's been twisted and whipped at an innocent bystander...that's the sound). The momentum it gains and the flexibility of the floppiness is amazing and it takes the effort out of ant slaughtering. It's no longer "all in the wrist," but rather "all in the flip flop." I still grin thinking about our freshly speckled carpet.

Nonetheless, all things considered, beware of the flip flop....

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